Bea has now reached that point where she has been living outside of me the exact same time she was living inside me. How quickly the time has flown. How things have changed. How I’ve changed – gosh, how I’ve changed. What a steep and joyous learning curve.
My sisters both told me that ever since I’ve become a mother I’ve become more real, honest and true to myself. I used to prefer my more sunshiney positive, go-get-it-girl! side. But since becoming a mom, I’ve let my guard down more and allowed myself to feel and say that yes, I am tired. I am frustrated. I get lonely. I snap. I’ve learned (and am still learning!) how to embrace the ‘darker’ parts of myself.
The journey has been so very busy and FULL, but when I get that chance to pause and think and rest and appreciate I feel awash with all sorts of deep and strong emotions. Motherhood has made me feel so full and made me feel so much more deeply. My emotional spectrum has deepened and expanded. How can moms hold so much emotion while still function effectively and do their best for their little ones? But they do.
There are days when I feel on top of the world, but there are days when I feel I can’t do it anymore. And still, I show up each and every day. There is no calling in sick.
I’ve become full of paradoxes.
I am harder yet softer.
I feel I need to reach out, but prefer to look within.
I am unemployed, but have never worked so hard, nor been rewarded so much, in my life.
I am hard on myself yet more compassionate to and less judgemental of others.
I get more frustrated, but have more patience and resilience.
I cry more because of both bittersweet feelings and sheer, immense humbling joy.
I listen more, but feel that I also have a stronger voice.
The depths of the darkness make the light so much more intense.
I am learning and growing every day; my daughter is my greatest teacher. They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And so came our dear sweet Beatrix Gracie – such a blessing – a blessed bringer of happiness, so full of grace.
I am so very grateful.